The Vineyard is a 1989 American/Canadian horror film written by James Marlowe and Douglas Kondo and directed by James Hong and William “Bill” Rice. It stars James Hong, Michael Wong, Sherri Ball and Playboy ’Playmate‘ Karen Witter. The film received a limited theatrical release by New World Pictures in the United States in 1989.
Dr. Elson Po is one of the world’s most famous wine growers. He has a magic potion which has kept him handsome and alive during the centuries. However, lately the magic which rejuvenates him seem to be less and less effective. As a side project he make movies and invites a group of young, aspiring actors to his private island for a party, believing that the young, handsome actress Jezebel can be his new source of life…
There are regular human zombies in The Vineyard, as part of the film’s admirable ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ approach to horror narrative, where coherence and plot development are tossed away like the distractions they are. There’s no real explanation for the zombies, so it’s best to simply sit back and accept them as simply another mad distraction in this delirious, hilariously inept movie that proves to be tremendous fun – admittedly, for all the wrong reasons.
Legendary character actor James Hong takes a rare leading role here, and also co-writes and directs. Perhaps this is why his character gets to grope a lingerie-clad hotty before having a nude sex scene in the opening minutes, and why he keeps a dungeon full of half-naked, chained up women for his vague experiments – after all, why not write yourself a plumb role like that?
Hong is Dr Elson Po, who produces top rate wine on his private island and also dabbles in film production – or so he claims. His movie-making is actually a scam to lure young actors – here represented by several planks of wood and a girl who looks like she stumbled into the film en route to a porn set or Motley Crue video shoot – to the island where he can use them in curious Mayan rituals that restore his youth. Note here that Hong was 60 years-old when this film was made, so the youth-restoring powers of his rituals seem rather limited. It’s especially odd, as in a flashback we see him as a child stealing the magic amulet needed to make his magic formula of blood, wine and gibberish to work, so we can only assume that he’s put it in a drawer for the next fifty years and forgot about it – oh, how he must have kicked himself.
Anyway, horny Dr Po decides that glam metal / porn star lookalike – and former real-life Playboy ’playmate’ – Karen Witter (playing, would you believe, ‘Jezebel Fairchild’) is his perfect woman and decides to marry her in some arcane ceremony, while chaining up most of her friends. Only hipster glasses-wearing bookworm Jeremy (Michael Wong) guesses the truth, and teaming with a couple of other friends, sets out to defeat Po and his army of kung fu fighting henchmen.
Surely a shoe-in for future Bad Movie Night screenings, The Vineyard is so gleefully ridiculous that you can’t help but enjoy it. Nothing really makes sense – it’s never really explained what part the dungeon full of people (and at one point it’s more rammed that half the gigs I’ve been to!) actually plays in the youth-restoring ritual, or even where the wine-making really fits in. The zombies seem an afterthought, and other weird moments, like a girl coughing up spiders and bugs, seem thrown in just to keep the audience from nodding off. Hong aside, the acting is shockingly poor, though no one is helped by the ludicrous dialogue they are given. It’s hard to imagine that anyone could do better with decent dialogue though, given their astonishing inability to emote. And of course, being 1989, the film is full of yuppie hair, muscle shirts and other fashion faux pas.
But all this actually makes the film more entertaining – the bad actors, bad dialogue, lunatic moments and piss-poor special effects combine to make something that is compulsively fun to watch. And Hong seems under no illusions that he is making art here – instead, he positively revels in the exploitative nature of the film. The luckless actress – Lissa Zappardino – playing his unfaithful wife spend the entire film in skimpy, sexy lingerie (apart from her nude scenes) and much of it chained in the dungeon, while Witter also has to spend a lot of time in silk bed wear – no one in this film goes for frumpy pyjamas. The film is surprisingly – or not, given the era – light on gore, but the sleaze factor is high, there are cheesy optical effects and only slightly less cheesy old age make-ups, a brain-curdling synth score (and numbing closing credits song) and a general tackiness that is just irresistible. And to make things even more wrong, Arrow’s new disc looks absolutely gorgeous. Apparently, you can polish a turd.
So, no masterpiece certainly. But The Vineyard is wonderfully entertaining, albeit not for the reasons intended. Best watched with beer and company.
Review by David Flint
Buy on Arrow DVD from Amazon.co.uk
“Even with the overall mess that is The Vineyard, Hong contributes a “Lo Pan”-quality performance, which is my way of saying he’s good. Combined with the fact that the rest of cast is so incredibly lifeless and stiff, Hong comes out looking like an Olivier-class thespian. Nobody does a menacing, ancient, mysterious Asian character better than Hong, and he gets quite a few opportunities to really turn it up in The Vineyard. He screams and cackles his way through the film with unabandonded glee, and isn’t shy about chewing up the scenery as the evil Dr. Po. It’s just that Hong’s presence alone is not enough to rescue The Vineyard from the land of sub-standard B-movie horror.” Digitally Obsessed
“There are a few amazing 80′s dance party scenes, and an almost unbelievable scene where Dr. Po causes one of the young actors to basically jizz in his pants by performing acupuncture on his neck. It’s all hugely entertaining in it’s awfulness, but also kind of worrying that it seems to have been made without a hint of irony.” Trash Flavoured Trash Movies
James Hong is such a joker:
WH
